


There Ain't Language for the Things I Feel

by Probs_to_old_for_this



Category: The Old Guard (Movie 2020)
Genre: Agoraphobia, Anxiety Disorder, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, I Wrote This Instead of Writing My Thesis, M/M, Mentioned Andy | Andromache of Scythia, Muteness, Post-Movie: The Old Guard (2020), Selectively mute Nicky, Sign Language, Sort Of, Star Gazing, discussions of anxiety, no beta we die like the old guard, team as a family
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-10
Updated: 2020-11-10
Packaged: 2021-03-08 22:47:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,493
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27484477
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Probs_to_old_for_this/pseuds/Probs_to_old_for_this
Summary: Post movie where Nile learns about Nicky being selectively mute and they just have a very wholesome time where Nile learns how she can support Nicky and Nicky is able to share how he feels.
Relationships: Joe | Yusuf Al-Kaysani/Nicky | Nicolò di Genova
Comments: 14
Kudos: 132





	There Ain't Language for the Things I Feel

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fic so please be kind. Nicky's experience is based off of the author's and this fic in no way tries to represent the way all or many people with selective muteness/social anxiety disorders function. Sorry there isn't a lot of Andy or Joe in this one!

It's been four months since Nile has joined the team, four months since the incident with Merrick, and 1 month since Joe and Nicky returned from recuperating in Malta. They were to spend two more weeks intel gathering before they started their next job, and were staying in Washington D.C. in an apartment right above the metro.

At about 6 am Nile was enjoying her coffee and a poetry book when she saw Nicky, looking exhausted, come into the kitchen.

"Morning" Nile said from her place at the table in the corner as Nicky crossed the threshold into the kitchen. Nicky flinched slightly, not expecting anyone to be awake yet, but then smiled at Nile and continued toward the sink.  


"Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you"  


Nicky waved his hand at Nile and shook his head slightly as if to say 'no worries'. He busied himself filling the electric kettle and preparing two mugs for tea.  


"You sleep okay? You look tired".  


Nicky shook his head no, and then pointed his finger at Nile and raised his eyebrows questioningly.  


Nile was at this point a bit confused and concerned at the lack of verbal responses from Nicky, but understood Nicky was asking her how she slept. "I slept fine" then huffed a laugh "Andy has been waking me up two hours before sunrise to train for when" Nile raised her fingers for air quotes " 'I least expect it', which I guess is valid. So here I am"  


Nicky hummed as a response and nodded, then turned around as the kettle clicked off and poured two cups of tea, then left with a smile and an awkward wave, really just lifting two fingers, through the handles of one of the mugs.  


"See ya" Nile replied as he left. She tried to return to her book, but found herself unable to focus on the words on the page, and instead thinking about the conversation, or lack thereof, that just occured.

About forty minutes later Joe came into the kitchen with the empty mugs. Nile knew she needed to ask someone if this was normal for Nicky, and wasted no time getting to the point.  


"Hey Joe? Um, is Nicky okay this morning?"  


Joe turned to Nile from the sink as she spoke, his smile falling. "Ah... You saw him earlier this morning then?"  


"Yeah and he seemed... quieter than usual so I was just a little concerned..." Nile trailed off.  


"Nicky will probably want to explain this to you himself, but this happens sometimes. Thank you for noticing Nile, and for your concern. Nicky will be okay, there are just some days where he cannot speak."  


"Oh, okay um... is there any way I can help with it?" Nile asked, still trying to wrap her head around it entirely.  


"Well... Acting as if things are normal is something he has told me helps. Not ignoring him while at the same time not asking him questions that require more than a simple answer... Also, when he does speak not making a big deal about it. Those are the things I can think of off the top of my head but he might tell you more... I know this is strange Nile, but Nicky will explain soon, just give him time."  


"Okay yeah sure, of course, just whenever he feels up to it."  


"Thank you, Nile," Joe said as he left the kitchen.

Hours later Nile felt her eyes would dry up and fall out if she looked at her computer any longer, and set up a program to run to collect data for their job. She then wandered into the kitchen rubbing her eyes to find Nicky and Joe cooking and singing in what sounded like Spanish. Nicky smiled at Nile, then returned to chopping the vegetables and continued singing along quietly. Nile got a glass of water and sat back in her spot from this morning, poetry book still sitting and forgotten, and stared at the two immortals cooking. Once the vegetables were put in the oven Nicky sat back against the counter and looked at Nile. Nile considered picking up her book in a terrible attempt to cover that she had indeed been staring at the two for the past couple minutes, but Nicky didn't look offended or annoyed, he honestly looked a bit scared, so she just smiled at him picked her book back up

Nicky waited until Joe finished washing the dishes to tap his arm and signed to Joe "I know Nile has questions..."  


Joe replied quietly in Arabic "You can fill her in when you are ready my heart, no need to rush".  


Nicky nodded and turned away to check on the food, but turned back almost immediately, avoiding Joe's eyes and signed "I am just... feeling worse knowing that she does not know and thinking about how I should tell her and overthinking..." Nicked sighed and stopped signing for a moment. Joe waited, knowing Nicky had more to say and just needed the space and time to say it. 

Nicky continued after a moment "Would you interpret for me while I tell her?" Finally brining his eyes back up to Joe.  


"Of course, my love" Joe responded then embraced Nicky in a hug and a kiss to his head. He waited until he felt Nicky take a deep breath, and then moved to face Nile, who saw their movements and set her book back down

"I know you have questions, Nile" Nicky signed while Joe voiced.  


"Oh well, I mean I don't want to berate you with questions if you don't-"  


"no, really. It's okay Nile... I would rather you understand this than to wonder about it or make assumptions... I may take longer to respond to your questions, searching for the words is harder right now but... It's ironic given my current state, but communication is the key to a happy family" Nicky signed, smiling slightly and rolling his eyes.  


"Okay if you're sure"  


Nicky nodded, meeting her gaze briefly.  


"Umm okay so this is not what I was thinking about but, what language are you signing in? I can tell it isn't American Sign language".  


Nicky smiled and replied as Joe spoke "No, this is like many of Joe and I's languages which is comprised of half extinct languages. I use a few signs from ASL for more modern words, but what I sign is really a mixture of many many languages throughout the ages".  


"That's so cool!... um, I was also wondering, cause Joe told me a bit this morning that this just happens sometimes but... is there a trigger that I should be aware of?

Nicky sat for a moment, gathering his thoughts before responding, eyes once again only making fleeting contact with Nile or Joe. "There are some things that trigger it. Sometimes it is just me overthinking. Today was... because of a nightmare and then some overthinking. Other times this may happen in high stress situations. Other times I lose my voice in specific spaces. Being in DC is... definitely not helping, but I will just not go out when I feel like this. I cannot... I cannot stand the behaviors here. In DC you are not supposed to make eye contact with people in the street, but also are supposed to if you are in the suburbs or randomly certain situations you are... You aren't supposed to stop in the street but then people try to sell you things or are asking for food and I cannot just keep walking... but I also cannot speak at the moment... It is all too confusing of how I am culturally supposed to behave so... So, I opt to not leave the safehouse when... When I am feeling like this."  


Nile waited a moment to ensure Nicky was done before responding "Thank you for telling me Nicky, I know this doesn't seem very easy for you to explain."  


Nicky smiled in return  


"Can I ask one more question? It's okay if not, it's not actually important"  


"Go ahead" Nicky signed.

"So, you can use you and Joe's sign language when this happens-  


"Sometimes" Nicky interrupted, grimacing at himself for his interruption "sorry".  


"No, go ahead" Nile encouraged  


Nicky sat in thought for a moment before responding "Sometimes it is worse than it is now... And in that case I..." Nicky thought until he eventually sighed, hands falling to the table.

"Love, why don't we tell Nile about what helps when this happens?" Joe asks, reaching out to hold Nicky's hands and to pull his attention out of his head.  


"Yeah" Nile encouraged, "What sort of things help when you... feel like this."

Nicky took a deep breath, looked up at Joe and smiled, then pulled his hands out of Joes to continue. "Being here, with you Nile, Andy, and Joe helps. Not going out helps. Singing helps. Reminds me I haven't forgotten how to speak, helps me feel something other than the anxiety in my chest... Reminds me to breath... When I have lost my voice, singing is a way that I can... reclaim it I suppose. Singing is easy because they are not my words, and I have sung the same songs so many times it doesn't require the pre-thinking that... talking does. Singing does not require the sentence structure, the thoughts about if I am expressing something correctly, if I am using the right grammar for the right language, if I am offending the person I am talking to or not... That doesn't happen as often with you all, thankfully... Sorry that... I got a little side tracked there, does that answer your question, sorry this was long winded, and sorry Joe for having you interpret all of this"

Joe was already shaking his head "no apologies necessary, my life, I offered to be your voice because I want to". Nicky smiled and took Joe's hands in his.  


"Thank you for sharing Nicky I think I understand a bit more now".

"Thank you for listening, Nile".

...

One month later finds the Guard in the mountains in Virginia staying in a hunting cabin while the heat from their latest mission dies down. They're out in a field, laying on blankets and stargazing. It's cold, but everyone would rather look at the stars for at least an hour before returning to the cabin to try and warm up. Andy and Joe are arguing to the right of Nicky about how many stars they remember from the past that no longer shine in this twenty first century sky. Joe and Nicky both have each other's arms under their neck, but Joe is completely turned to Andy in discussion.

"Nicky... can I ask you some more questions", 'about your voice' went unspoken but understood.  


Nicky paused for a short moment in thought before answering quietly "yes"  


"You don't have to answer this if you decide not to but you mentioned sometimes it happens when you overthink somethings..." 'what things?' again went unspoken, Nile hoped that this phrasing would allow Nicky to share as much or as little as he wanted.  


"Hmm yes. I get lost thinking of something I did, or said, or something that was done or said to me and..." Silence fell between them for a moment until Nicky chuckled, "sometimes it is something so simple and... not even important, but it happens. I have only come to understand it more in the past 100 years. It is mostly linked to social anxiety. When talking to people you always must think of the right way to phrase things, the right tone, the right response... It's exhausting. And then when I am silent I..." Nicky huffed, frustrated at his loss for words. "When I am silent and I try to speak it is always wrong. Always the wrong word, the wrong language, the wrong tone so... It is sometimes hard to come back from that."

Silence fell over them. Nile asked "Is it easier to speak in your first language? I know a lot of people don't speak it but, well, I'd like to learn it if it's easier for you when this happens".  


Nicky smiled and reached to hold Nile's hand. "You're too kind little sister. I will teach you if you want, though I must warn you that you will probably hear some things you would prefer not to between Joe and I", Nicky said with a mischievous grin.  


Nile laughed and pushed Nicky's shoulder playfully, shaking her head "You guys are too much and as adorable as two are I don't know if I should really understand what you two say to each other" Nile said shaking her head.

"... It isn't easier though, in my mother tongue. Not really. It may be... a challenge to find the words when I am speaking English for example, but... when I have lost my voice it is not easier to get it back by choosing a different spoken language. Signing is the easiest, as it bypasses the feelings of anxiety in my chest and throat but... Sometimes it is not enough... In a country where I look foreign it is sometimes a relief... because I know people will assume I do not reply because I do not know how, and not that I just... can't..."

"This..." Nicked sighed in minor frustration, "ailment, was actually my inspiration to learn more languages before I became immortal. Being immortal only helped with that... But I always found language study fascinating. I think I subconsciously was looking for a language I would not... loose? Looking for... 'a way to express myself' is not accurate... but it is the only phrase that gets close..."  


"Yeah, I understand what you're saying." Nile replied, patting him on the arm. and they both returned their gazes to the night sky.

"Y'know there's actually a song I am thinking of that says something like what you were saying, Nicky. It's by an American folk band called Lord Huron, that goes _"There ain’t language for the things I feel"_ Nile sang.  


Nicky smiled. "Yes... there's something there I resonate with. I thought perhaps I would find a language for the 'things I feel'. And I certainly have to an extent... Modern advancements on mental health and anxiety have helped me understand this part of myself... Hm... Will you sing me that song Nile? I want to learn it."  
"Of course," Nile replied, and began to sing

_"Yes I know that love is like ghosts  
Oh, few have seen it, but everybody talks  
Spirits follow everywhere I go  
Oh they sing all day and they haunt me in the night  
Oh they sing all day and they haunt me in the night  
Yes I know that love is like ghosts  
Oh, and what ain't living can never really die"_

Nicky chuckled at the last line, then began to hum along in harmony as Nile continued.

**Author's Note:**

> I most definitely mixed up the words sing, sign, and sighed at some point so just dm me and I'll fix it! Hope you enjoyed


End file.
